Why you should stop waiting on those who hurt you to apologize…

“Stop depending on the person that hurt you to heal you. Your healing is your responsibility, not theirs.” – Trent Shelton

I discovered Trent Shelton’s page on Instagram (@trentshelton) and it is filled with awesome gems. This particular post about forgiveness really caught my attention because I was recently discussing this topic with my someone. I grew up in a culture that doesn’t explicitely promote apologizing especially when it comes to those younger than you. For us Haitians, no matter how old you are, you are the child and your elders ought to be respected and revered no matter how wrong they are. You don’t talk back to an adult. You don’t contradict them. And you certainly don’t tell them they’re wrong. This is one scenario where many of us tend to harbor anger that festers over the years because the issues that it stemmed from were never addressed.

Knowing what I know now, I think that it is necessary to choose to heal and forgive even if the aggressor has not asked for forgiveness. In most cases, your ex will not apologize for his infidelity. The teacher who wronged you in elementary school may not even remember what she did or said that hurt you to the core but you carry that hurt for ages. The pedophile who took your innocence before you were even an adolescent should rot in jail but yet he’s roaming the streets freely & unbothered. As unfair as these circumstances are, the longer you choose not to forgive, the more of a hold that person and what they did can hold you captive. You must heal and move on for your own sake. As hard as it is, deciding to forgive really is a gift to yourself because it frees you from the emotional baggage that comes with harboring anger.

I was attending a revival recently, and as I was praying, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me that my heart is His Holy Residence. That stopped me in my track because knowing that the Holy Spirit resides in you should force you to do a constant heart check to ensure you are keeping His residence as holy as it should be. That also means that deciding to forgive immediately is imperative to our continuous spiritual health. There are extreme circumstances such as someone harming your child, betraying you, or God forbid, murdering your family that may seem unforgivable, but it is truly in those circumstances that we must exercise our faith and show the light of Christ throught the unthinkable. Easier said than done, I know. 


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Pope John Paul II was shot 4 times in 1981 by Mehmet Ağca, a Turkish murderer who escaped prison. You can google the details of the story but the powerful act of forgiveness demonstrated by this pope was truly awe inspiring. See, two years later, Pope John Paul II visited Ağca in prison and had a private conversation with him which resulted in them becoming friendly. Things didn’t just end there. The pope actually stayed in touch with Ağca’s family during his incarceration, and at his request, his would-be assasin was pardoned in 2010. Ağca was then deported back to Turkey to complete his sentence for the murder he committed years prior. While emprisoned, he converted to Christianity before his release. In December 2014, Ağca returned to Rome and laid two dozen white roses at the pope’s tomb.

I can think of so many different ways this story could have ended but this one act of kindness while facing the unthinkable truly shows the love of Christ and caused a domino effect of life changing events. The pope’s actions may have singlehandedly led to this man’s conversion. This is a great example of what it means to be a Christian by deeds and not just by words.

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Many of us will hear this story and make the excuse that “I’m just not there yet.” That is simply a poor excuse to remain unchanged because having an unforgiving heart is easy since it’s human nature. Let’s actually strive each day to grow and eventually forgive just as Jesus has taught us: consistently, quickly, boundlessly, 70 times 7.

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